06.01.20

At first, I was frozen, unable to look away, I poured over the news and the maps. Even now, the daily cases, local and worldwide are in my head.  I kept waiting for it to overwhelm us. But here, it’s just eating away at us, slow and steady. 

It’s not like my Mental Health was stellar before the pandemic, what with the trifecta of anxiety, depression, and a tendency to lean into badfish behavior when things get rough … just three-syllable-words for

I am sad and drink too much.

I try to remember a time when I wasn’t sad.

Eighteen.

I think that’s it. 18 years of ordinary emotional flux, and 33 to follow, sodden with this pervasive sadness.   And maybe the point I’m trying to make is that my unwellness predates the pandemic but has also been greatly aggravated by it. For tonight, saying so aloud is  enough.

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